Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You really only need two things: WD-40 and Duct Tape.

If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.

If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Universal laws

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss (or wife - whoops .. redundant) will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.!

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Time to see the Doctor?

A husband and wife go to a counselor after many years of marriage. The counselor asks
them what the problem is and the wife goes into a lengthy description of how her husband has
been spending too much time in the garage. She complains how he comes in to the house
late at night all covered with grease and smelling like exhaust fumes. She states that all he can
talk about is things like manifolds, magnetos, ignitors, oilers and tractor tires.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately.

The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks a moment and then says, "I can bring her in on Monday and Wednesday,
but on Friday I have to get ready for the tractor pull next weekend."

Helpful Tools for the Shop
All of us who spend time in the shop or garage engaged in any number of projects will recognize these tools!

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACK SAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

ANGLE GRINDER: Used to expose your inadequacy as a welder. Also useful for removing excess (or non-excess) skin.

CIRCULAR SAW: Handy tool used for cutting through the power cords of circular saws.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee or beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. Also used to squeeze objects together until the JB Weld sets up. Special design forces JB Weld out of joint, causing object being held to be JB Weld'ed to the Vise Grips.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a tractor to the ground after you have installed your new brake bands, trapping the jack handle firmly under the rear tire.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a tractor upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood and metal splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog or horse sh** off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in the bolt hole you are trying to extract the stud from. It is designed to be ten times harder than any known drill bit

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under engines and tractors at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading but may have predictive value.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last overtightened 58 years ago by someone at the Allis Chambers or John Deere factory and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts near the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Can also be inadvertently used on fingers and the palm of your hand immediately preceding shaking blood all over your shirt and the floor while expressing deleted expletives.

Why "Farm Trucks" Are Never Stolen ........
(anyone ever have one of these?)

They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down or run out of gas.

Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.

It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.

It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.

The Blue Heeler on the toolbox looks mean.

They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: "The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc."

The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased.

You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.

Top speed is only about 45 mph.

Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in bodywork, taillights and a windshield.

It's hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

Just some Things to Think About ...........
(but not for too long!)

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

11. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

12. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

13. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.

14. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

15. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

16. Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.

17. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

18. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

19. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and
blamed it on the high cost of living.

20. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

21. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

22. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

23. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

24. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's
population.

25. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

26. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who
got there first.

27. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish
and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

28. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

29. Shin: A device for finding furniture.

30. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

31. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

32. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

33. I wish the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

34. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

35. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people
that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

36. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.